Vanholio: 5 Reasons NOT to Camp by Water

Class B van camper is by lake, has big red X over it

It's a damn iconic scene: a tent or camper by a creek or lake, campfire smolderin' away. Or maybe the same on a beach. It's probably your dream van life scene. Well, let Vanholio tell you why that's bullshit!

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1. Crowds

You think it'd be great to park your van by the lakeside? So does every other dumbass! Especially on warm holiday weekends, the lakeside gets fuckin' crowded. Same with the creeks. Same with the seaside.

Wanna hear some other asshole's blastin' music? Wanna smell rottin' fish guts that got thrown on the shore? Wanna hear screamin' kids? Wanna smell fryin' bacon ya won't get ta eat? Well, go for it. Better you than me.

2. Parasites

Guess what else loves water? Mosquitoes! That goes for lakes, ponds, marshes, creeks, rivers, seashore, bays, and the rest. Water equals mosquitoes. It's a simple goddamn formula.

Oh, and if there's the least foliage around? Ticks! I fuckin' hate ticks! Nasty little fuckers. I guaran-damn-tee you that shady, wooded spot by the river with all the pretty flowers is fulla goddman ticks awaitin' to suck your blood and give you lyme disease. Blech!

3. Scavengers

Humans and the only critters that love to go by the water. So do rats, raccoons, skunks, coyotes, stray dogs and cats, an' every other kinda scavenger ya can think on. Why? Where else they gonna get a heapin' of human-type food and a good drink, too? Yeah, that's right.

Skunks are the goddamn worse of the bunch, in Vanholio's considered opinion. First, they don't give a fuck about people and'll just come in near anytime at their leisure. They ain't hardly coy about it. Second, they stink, even when they don't spray. Ya can always tell when Peppie le Pew is about!

4. Humidity

I done talked before 'bout how humidity makes the cold colder and the hot hotter. Well, air is more humid by bodies a water for some reason. Ain't that a shock! Better to be further away in dryer air.

'Course, sometimes that nature works ta your advantage. Say, when you're on the leeward side of a lake on a hot day. Then the lake water cools the breeze before it hits ya. Or sometimes, too, it's nice to get by a cold, shady creek on a hot, sunny day. But camp by them places? You'll wake up wet and cold in the mornin'.

5. Flooding

This is sometimes a risk. It's less guaranteed, sure, an' ya can watch the weather. But gettin' flooded out stinks. And, no, I don't just mean if you and your get washed away. That's rare. What's more common is findin' yourself peelin' out tires in marsh-wet mud. How 'bout them apples!?