Somewhere long ago, our formerly hunter-gatherer ancestors got off track and fucked us up. They got busy and built "civilization," which shackles us today.
Stuff. It's all about the fuckin' stuff. We got the stuff, maintain the stuff, want the stuff, build the stuff, and hanker after the stuff – especially other people's stuff. It's a lotta fuckin' work, Man!
But them that stayed hunter gatherers … they did a lotta nothin'. Sat on their asses most a the day, just talkin and fuckin'. The were the original affluent society. Sounds like Vanholio's kinda paradise!
I wanna get back some a that. That's why I vandwell. It's my dream to be lazy and contribute as much nothin' to this Earth-killin', human-crushin' society as I can.
Read this essay, "The Art of Nothing," by primitive skills teacher Thomas J. Elpel.He's addressin' primitive skills preppers, but there's a line a thought we can learn from.
Do' nothin' to save your money, save your life, and save your soul.
One third of U.S. land is public land — BLM, US Forest Service, Army Corps of Engineers, and the rest. You can vanlife camp on most a it any time for FREE (exceptin' National Parks). But public lands don't always come with signs showin' where it's at. Hell, most of it ain't even on Google Maps! Here's three ways to find them sweet spots.
In Vanholio's experience, gazetteers, a type of printed atlas map, are the best tool for van life. First off, they don't require internet, which can be short back in the boonies. Plus, they're well researched and drill down to small scale. I've used the Delorme gazetteers, but there's others out there.
2. Public Lands Interpretive Association Website
If I ain't got a gazetteer yet where I'm goin', backup is Publiclands.org, the website of the Public Lands Interpretive Association. Pretty good digital maps, but they only cover the Western states. And they're slow to load.
3. "US Public Lands" App
The app is available on Android and iTunes. Looks like it maps all the public lands. Ain't never used it, though, so Vanholio can't speak to it's quality. Look at the reviews. If you used it before in your van life, comment below.
You'll be eating plenty of roadkill rabbit when you’re living in a van down by the river. Vanholio knows: I am, I do.
OK, I’m a fuckin' liar. I’m actually camped by a small lake. And I just ate roadkill rabbit for the first time last night.* Better'n pussy! Tasted like turkey!
Here’s the thing: Vanholio needs to save dinero on dinners. And he wants to help out the earth. You know, that whole Global Warming thing. Foraging kills two birds with one stone.
Now, another vandweller might start by pussyfootin' around. Say, start by pickin' wild berries. But Vanholio always dives in dick first!
I been seeing lots of roadkill in Colorado this last week. So I looked up some basics on how to eat roadkill. There’s some laws to know about roadkill cuisine, too.
What I cook with these days
Then yesterday morning, picked up my first roadkill rabbit. He was barely stiff, a bit warm, had clear eyes and fleas, and looked to have been killed by a head injury. He weren’t pulped neither.
After butchering, I spiced and wrapped him in foil with potato and onion pieces. Then I baked him about three hours in my RoadPro Stove.** Perfection!
Las Chihuahuas – Ms. Barkley and The Gimp*** – loved that baked rabbit, too! Yum, yum, yum!
Oh, yeah. While the rabbit was cookin', I called the local Colorado game warden. Turns out I shoulda called him first to inspect the rabbit and issue me a tag. But the warden didn’t hassle me, decided I was working in good faith. Next time I’ll do it right.
I’m hoping to find a damn deer or elk soon. Then I’ll be making enough jerky to last months!
Eaten Roadkill Since That First Rabbit?
Nope. I tried once with a porcupine, but ruined the meat in the butcherin' process.
Turns out it's actually hard to find good roadkill. If the weather's gettin' warm, ya gotta find it early in the mornin'. And it's gotta be killt right, without the guts explodin'. And ya gotta be in the position to make use pretty damn quick.
I swear on a stack a Bibles, I run inta three good deer. But they was always at a time I couldn't pick 'em up for one reason or other.
I've concluded that with roadkill, like anythin' else, TANSTAAFL applies. For regular supply, ya gotta work a mornin' route, payin' especially close attention to where the game tends to cross. As a van life nomad who goes all over all the time, that ain't easy. Maybe work better if I settle in an area for a bit.
* Actually, this Road Tale is from March 2016. Except that bottom section under the subhead.
Don't know what the hell you expected! Van life ain't nothin' but LIFE. Most a the time it's boring as hell. Or at least, it's as boring as you make it.
See, Vanholio's low key, just a quiet guy who likes his quiet. He ain't got no sexy yoga momma ridin' shotgun. He don't hang glide, rock climb, surf, cook gourmet camp meals, meet cool people, or discover amazing restaurants. Mostly, he just keeps ta hisself in the woods and desert, a hermit, if you will.
Saturday — I got up late, ate some breakfast, cleaned up, journaled, called a buddy about some business we got, drove inta Silver City, N.M. for a Wendy's burger, dropped by Walmart ta take a shit and buy some coffee, came back ta camp, called another buddy, ate dinner, took Ms. Barkley on a walk, and otherwise wasted time Facebookin' and net surfin'.
Sunday — Got up, ate breakfast; cleaned up; drove into town ta get water, ice, and burritos at the grocery store; drove a big circle through Lordsburg, Hachita, and inta Columbus, N.M. (just for the hell of it, to see what's there, and I took a walk north a Lordsburg along the way); grabbed a site at the Pancho Villa State Park; cooked a one-pot rice dinner while surfin' the net; and took Ms. Barkley for a long walk round the park.
Excitin', huh!? Thrillin'!? Shit, coulda done mosta that crap livin' in a house or apartment somewheres.
So What's the Thrill a #Vanlife?
For Vanholio, it's campin' and walkin' in the quiet a the woods, livin' cheap so I don't have to work too hard none, and occasionally drivin' down a strange road ta see what's there (hopefully something beautiful or weird!). Oh, an' readin', writin', and web surfin'. That's all.
It's a simple life, but I likes it. Ta some, maybe it's boring. But then, it ain't boring if ya ain't bored.
And if ya wanna do hang glidin', rock climbin', surfin', and all the rest, ya can. Vanholio ain't stoppin' ya!
I ain't never found no need to keep food cool on the road. So, yeah, my van life ain't got no refrigeration or ice chest. Tell you why, and how I gets by ...
Cost – Your propane fridges cost propane money. Your electric fridges cost power budget, especially on solar. Your ice chests cost ice money.
Space – Vanholio's got a tiny van, so anything bulky better be worth it. A chiller ain't.
Simple Food – Don't cook much on the road. Mostly, I eat trail mix, Soylent, cheese sticks, fruit, peanut butter, tortillas, shit like that. Don't need a cold pantry.
Many Store Trips – I'm in and outta grocery and convenience stores every few days. Don't need keep a big stock cool.
Immediate Cooking – When I get somethin' real perishable, like meat, I cook it right away. Hell, I might get a pot goin' in my Max Burton Digital Stove to Go right in the parking lot!
Dry Goods – Vanholio never knows when the mood to cook is gonna strike. So most food I keep around is dry goods, like rice, dried veggies, and canned soup.
Refrigeration Overrated – Lots a "perishables," like fruit, vegetables, eggs, butter, and cheese, don't necessarily need to be kept all that cool. Fresh eggs'll last a week or so! I buy cheese sticks, and they do fine without chillin' for a week or more, too.
Lazy Cooling – Know what I do with those cheese sticks when it's hot weather? I wrap them in a wet towel, and tuck the bunch under my bed by the water jugs. That keeps them from gettin' that greasy sweat.
Condiment Packets – Your laziest bachelor uses his fridge mainly for beer and condiments. But Vanholio uses packets of condiments – including mayo! – that he swipes from convenience stores.
No Cold Beer – The No. 1 argument for havin' a chiller in the van is cold beer on hand. But Vanholio ain't a daily drinker. And when he does beer, a chilled 6 pack from the store don't last long enough to get warm.
Any Downsides to Van Life With No Fridge or Cooler?
Yeah, Vanholio does have one regret about not havin' a cooler or whatever in the van. That's not havin' ice on hand. See, he likes a huge jug a ice coffee to sip from all day. Mostly, I just get free ice from a convenience store. But when I'm boondockin' for a couple days or more, then it's ice-less van life sufferin'. May get a compact ice maker soon, just for the drinks.
An admirer of these manifestos emailed with an important question: "What are yer plans fer escapin' certain death by autonomous killer robots built by Google?" Here's my response ...
Reader's Original Email
Dear Vanholio,
What are yer plans fer escapin' certain death by autonomous killer robots built by Google?
As you know, the Earth has begun a new Maunder Minimum. In the coming decade, we will see progressively colder climate throughout the world. Food prices will rise so high the common folk won't be able to afford it. The Facebook and iPhones that have made them incapable of individual thought and/or critical thinking and problem solving skills leaves the common chattel unable to survive without handouts from big pharma, big credit, big welfare, and big gubament.
As the world starves and eradicates itself through violent ass-burgers SJW eruptions of Orweillian-style hate, I expect the Vanholio to be hidin' in his van, of course.... But what about those gosh damn robots? Ya got yer lasers ready? They better be charged and ready, because aint no way a Vanholio would be able to survive in the megacities - under strict carbon taxation and control - stripped of individual thought and completely animated by the corporate overlords... Amazon, Google, Walmart, DowDuPont, Goldman Sachs, and the list goes on.
Never had a plan, but these are my general ideas, in order. (Vanholio is a sneak, not a fighter.)
Leave the USA. But that might not be enough if it's a worldwide crackdown.
Head to the southerly hills. Abandon the van if needed. Live like a coyote foraging in nature, scavenge dumps, and theft as needed.
Play along, act respectable, and engage in subversion from the inside. But seein' as I can't stomach that now, this would be a desperate move.
Expanded Thoughts on Keepin' Your Freedom
Since gettin' that original letter some weeks ago, I been thinkin' and readin' on this topic.
The comin' problems ain't really about autonomous killer robots, Global Warming (or another Ice Age), or today's dominant multinational corporations – though they could be. We don't know exactly who's gonna try and pen us in or how. But you can guaran-damn-tee someone or somethin' is.
Hell, they're doin' it today! Think how unelected credit agencies, like Equifax, got ya by the nuts. Most a us have had some bullshit on our credit reports. And if ya tried, you know what a pain in the ass it is to fix it. Then think how the bastards who hacked Equifax got ya by the balls, too. If they run up bills with your identity, it's gonna suck worse.
Civilization Has Always Oppressed the Common People
Look at your history, though. Ain't states, warlords, big companies, religions, and the like always had the common man by the balls?
The big players have always been forcin' folks to fight in their wars, work themselves to death as slaves or serfs, pay taxes that don't ever quite pay back fair, and generally forget they're born free and as good as anyone.
And the Common People Have Always Resisted
But historically, people have always resisted their rulers. Either they cheat or they run. As a lazy anarchist, Vanholio proudly identifies himself with this tradition.
The common people cheat on their taxes, smuggle goods, poach, steal shit from work, grow weed in their homes, avoid the draft, and desert the army. To put it simple, they do what they need to do to survive.
And if that ain't enough to get by, they vote with their feet. Either they move to another country, or they head to the hills, mountains, swamps, marshes, desert, sea, or wherever The Man don't have power and/or don't care to look.
Sure, they sometimes fight back direct. But that's more rare as the powerful usually got things stacked to their advantage.
Remember You're Free – And Act Like It
No, Vanholio don't know exactly how THEY are gonna try and fuck with him in future. But he keeps his heart free and his eyes open. As troubles present, he's gonna do what he needs to do, whether that's run or cheat. He might even rebel directly if needs be. And if Google sends out actual, real autonomous killer robots? Vanholio'll hide in a cave. And if I gotta, I'll shoot some down with an EMP gun!
No one wants to smell your stanky damn ass. Not even you. Keepin' your butt crack clean is Priority Number One. Especially when you live in a van, down by the river.
In fact, a spit-polished taint is more important for vandwellers because we don’t always get a shower every day. Do you want your van to smell like shit? Do you want to butt stink to disgust every fuckin' time you get out of the driver’s seat? No!
Not unless you or your S.O. are goddamned coprophiliacs. In which case, save it for special occasions, Perv.
Plus, a fresh-washed crack and fresh underwear are the key to not smelling like a fuckin' bum. That helps when the cops ask questions. Trust me.
How to Keep Your Ass Clean in a Van
Do Post-crap Cleaning — After takin' a dump, I wipe as well as I can with toilet paper. I really dig into that bunghole. Then I wipe my crack and dingleberry with one or two baby wipes. (BTW, don’t flush them wipes or dump them in a vault toilet; throw them in the trash.)
Change Underwear Daily — Briefs, boxers, and panties are there to capture loose poop, pee, or odors. In the old days, it saved washin' woolen pants til spring. In modern times, you probably change your pants more than once a year. Maybe every day. No matter, change that underwear daily and the stink won’t follow you around.
Ass-Wipe After Fart-a-thons — The odd fart or two isn’t a problem. But we all get a run on gas once in awhile, usually after eating too damned much at the Chinese buffet. Things back there get moist and pungent. So clean your crack with a baby wipe and/or TP, and return your trunk to it’s factory smell.
If you’re a vandweller, trucker, or anyone who spends a lot of time in a vehicle – Or really, if you’re not fucking disgusting – keep your ass clean. It should be your fuckin' No. 1 top priority!
Most a your van life types want cellular internet to stay connected. And they want it cheap, too! Guy in the video below is THE EXPERT on how to do it! Watch'n learn.
BTW, Vanholio uses the flashed Verizon 3G he talks about. Only $5 per month! Works great! But even though video guy says its legal, I'm pretty sure it's a violation of the Verizon's terms. It's in the gray zone.
